Entries from April 19th, 2020

Uncertainty

Sunday, April 19, 2020

“The willingness to consider possibility requires a tolerance of uncertainty.”

― Rachel Naomi Remen

In the midst of this pandemic, I just did something wild and simple and true: I packed up all my painting supplies and put them in my studio closet.

For the last several months, my unfilled canvases and untouched brushes and paints have been looming over my shoulder, every time I sat down to think about writing a few words. “This blog is about painting,” they seemed to say, “and you aren’t painting, so what business do you have writing, either?”

I am not painting, it’s true. What’s also true is that I am mothering, and working from home, and learning how to co-exist 24/7 with my immediate people while the world as we know it slips into a chaos from which we may or may not emerge better, stronger, with more reasonable priorities and values, but from which I am personally determined to emerge a little more clear about what matters most to me and how to organize myself thusly.

I may or may not paint again. Maybe in a few months or years or maybe in retirement. I no longer need to paint to find myself; I know where I am.

I felt a little sad packing everything up, but now that I’m done, I feel liberated. There’s power in choosing my priorities.

Painting was, for me, always about process. Learning process through painting served me, served what I was trying to find and uncover and trust, but it was never ultimately about paint, at least not only about paint. Paint was the vehicle for lessons about process, and it carried me well.

Process is messy, involves starting over and embracing destruction and changing it up. So I honor all those years of learning process through the vehicle of painting by making a choice my paints would, I trust, understand–stop painting, and give myself to the next apprenticeship in process: living and loving well, and parenting with the full presence my little guy deserves and requires.

Who knows where this process will take me next?

No idea.

I’m glad for the empty space to wonder.

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