Dear One

Tuesday, August 18, 2015

Dear One

“Chop that wood, carry water.

What’s the sound of one hand clapping?

Enlightenment, don’t know what it is.

Every minute, every second,

things keep changing to something different.

Enlightenment, don’t know what it is.”

Van Morrison

I drove to work this morning blaring Van Morrison’s song Enlightenment on repeat in my car. My first day back to the office after a week away, and I felt expansive, ready for anything. “How to hang onto this feeling, this energy?” I wondered. “Easy,” I thought.

By 5pm, I couldn’t tell up from down. I’d lost it completely. The day was packed with emergency walk-ins and phone calls. I forgot to eat lunch or drink water. I certainly didn’t feel like an artist, or even like that smiling, open-hearted woman from the morning with her hot coffee, home-made lunch, and inspiring music. Who was this exhausted person dragging to her car? Which version was me?

I maneuvered through traffic to the wonderful new Searchlight yoga studio, owned and operated by my favorite yoga teachers in town. I rolled out my mat and started moving.

Chop wood, carry water.

An hour later, I left a different person again.

I’m scared for the fall semester. I love the bustle, the rich diversity of clients that come through the counseling center where I work, and the myriad ways I learn and grow through all that intense connection. Yet I want to hang onto what I’ve been learning this summer–that prioritizing my own well-being really does make a difference.

Dance, yoga, painting, and cooking are all ways I care for myself. They’re forms of play and nourishment and joy. This summer, I committed to these things. Imperfectly, but enough to see and feel real results. But when I get stressed out and overwhelmed, I stop doing these things.

I’d like to change this.

When I got home from yoga class tonight, I both wanted and didn’t want to paint. I was no longer a zombie, but I was hardly a spiritual Van Morrison song either.

But I’m learning that, at least when it comes to the choices that really feed me, the energy doesn’t have to be “right” to get started. The truth is, my art only ever asks me to show up as I am. Same with yoga. And my life itself. Show up. Encounter reality, my body as it is, my breath as it is, me as I am, in this moment, and never the same in the next. Things keep changing.

I thought I knew what I was going to paint tonight, but something totally different came out.

This girl, well, let’s be honest. She’s weird. Possibly a little stressed out, and maybe slightly bloated. She’s worried, and has some posture problems, and is primitively executed.

But also, as a testament to the day, she’s somehow quite dear to me, too.

4 comments :

  • Marilyn escue

    How can I see your works for sale, not able to do Leonardo’s….

  • Marilyn escue

    I am not in GnV anymore! South of Ocala in the Villages.
    Keep me on your list…

    • Sara Nash

      Ok, I can always send you pics of pieces that are available. Are you subscribed to my website? I post every new painting on my blog, so that’s a good way to be notified of new pieces. Thanks for all your support, Marilyn.

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